5 tips for celebrating Valentine’s Day in a non-monogamous relationship

As Valentine’s Day approaches, love birds all ‘round are booking reservations, ordering flowers, buying lingerie and maybe some toys in preparation for a romantic day with their special someone… or someones.

While society has not historically been accepting of non-monogamous relationship structures, polyamory is (slowly) becoming better understood and recognized. Through the power of social media, many are finding their way into ethical non monogamy and discovering that it’s way more than what we’ve seen publicly portrayed thus far (looking at you Sister Wives).

However, if you have more than one relationship or your relationship includes more than 2 people, the idea of celebrating your love within one “special” day might get a bit overwhelming. We spoke to Yaz Harris (@yaz.thehuman) about their experience creating space, making time, and celebrating love authentically - regardless of what day it is!

Here are five keys to celebrating Valentine’s Day with multiple partners:

1. Find your space

Society is conditioned to accept romantic love in the form of a couple, so there are definitely some moments when you may feel that there is not the same space or understanding for the structure of your relationship. Though easier said than done, it is crucial to find safe spaces within your community and surround yourself with a support system that values you for you.

“I think a lot of polyamorous people would likely feel excluded in some shape or another in terms of what celebrating with their multiple partners is going to look like because of cishetero normativity. We are told that we are meant to pursue a relationship with one person of the opposite sex and that’s who Valentine’s Day is for.[…] Our government structures and entire culture is built around the idea that two people are meant to be together, and they are celebrated for doing that”

“I feel like there is a lot of space for me personally in the ways that I have set up my life, the ways that I have chosen to pursue relationships, the ways that I’ve chosen to surround myself with support, I am able to celebrate on Valentine’s Day or any other day.”

2. Ignore the haters

Valentine’s Day can be very couples centric, and it’s easy to feel excluded when your relationship doesn’t fit into the traditional mold that is accepted by our society. You may even be met with discriminatory behaviour when presenting openly as polyamorous. What’s important is that you celebrate your love in the way that feels best to you! If you want to have dinner with 3 people at a restaurant on Feb. 14 then do it! Forget the nay sayers.

“If you were to go out into the world with the five people that you were partnered with and there are some public displays of affection or something that makes it very obvious that the five of you are all together, 100% that’s going to cause more friction with the people you come into contact with. If you’re being perceived as a polycule of multiple people, that is definitely going to shock more people.”

“If anyone shames you for not doing or expressing your love in the ways that they want you to, stuff a sock in ‘em.”

3. Communication is key

A very important component of Ethical Non-Monogamy is communicating what you want or need from your partners. Keeping an open and honest dialogue ensures that everyone is on the same page - the same goes for making V-Day plans. If it’s important for you to spend Valentine’s Day with a certain partner, all your partners, or if V-Day isn’t really your thing then be sure to express it so you can designate time to fulfill the individual needs of you and your partners.

“I’ve been with people who didn’t care about Valentine’s Day or the holidays, didn’t really need to have any extra effort put into spending time together on those days, and I’ve been with other people where that’s a very important signifier of the relationship for whatever their own reasons are. It all comes down to communication and getting an understanding of why spending time in that way is important to folks and in what ways they want to show up.[…] My experience so far has been telling everyone who I’d ideally like to spend time with “hey, I want to spend time with you”, leaving it up to the individual and myself to figure out what spending time together in that way looks like.”

4. Finding Balance

Not all relationships need to be equal in terms of time, activities, or affection to be equally as important. Each relationship stands on its own and serves its own purpose. Identifying the function of your relationship can help you allocate your time and activates on Valentine’s Day without getting overwhelmed by the need to create multiple identical dates.

"You’re definitely going to come across some situations where folks feel like they need to spend an exact equal amount to time with all parties involved or need to do the same thing - one can’t be more special than the other. That’s operating under the assumption that all relationships must be exactly the same in order for them to be as important as one another. But, as polyamory teaches us, our different relationships serve to function different needs. So hypothetically, I could spend the entire day with one partner and not at all with the other and that wouldn’t necessarily mean that I love one more than the other, it’s just how we’ve chosen to spend our time.”

5. Make your own traditions

There are so many traditionally romantic activities that you’re “supposed” to do on Valentine’s Day, but what is important is that you celebrate and express your love in a way that feels most authentic to you and your relationship. Forget the “should” and focus on the “want” when making your V-Day plans.

“You can come up with your own special day and do what you want to do. If you do feel like going all out, perhaps you consider making it your own by turning away from all the standard things that you’re told you’re supposed to do. Forget the chocolate, the dinner plans, the extra pressure to have some form of physical intimacy with one another. Maybe you go axe throwing and buy one another pineapples and that’s what you choose to do to celebrate that day. That’s what polyamorous folks do, that’s what queer folks do. We change the rules in order to better suit our needs, values, and desires and show up in the ways we want to.”