How and where to make friends as a grown-ass adult

Making friends as an adult can feel a lot like dating. It can be awkward, uncomfortable, and downright bewildering. What to say? When to ask someone to for a one-on-one hangout? And where to actually meet new friends?

Making friends as an adult is harder than it is as a kid, there’s no doubt about it. And it can get more difficult the older you get. In fact, the May 2021 American Perspectives Survey had interesting findings on adult friendships. Many Americans don’t have very many friends: 49% report having three or fewer close friends. Additionally, most report having largely situational friendships, you know, those temporary friends you make in the workplace, or at school—nearly 70% report having a friend like that, who they only see in certain places or at certain times. 

And to make matters more challenging, COVID-19 catapulted many people into next-level social isolation which also added a whole new layer of awkwardness and uncertainty to our interactions. Then there’s the fact that nowadays people just work longer hours, making the idea of “making friends” seem tiring and superfluous.

But here’s the thing: friendships don’t become any less important as you age, and quality is a lot more important than quantity. Also, for anyone who needs to hear it: having an SO is not a replacement for having friends. There’s nothing like a strong friendship to prevent loneliness and isolation, relieve stress, and even add years to your life. Also, if you’re single but happen to have a “friends first” mentality, you have yet another worthy reason to put yourself out there in the proverbial friend zone.

How to make new friends as a grown-ass adult

There’s zero shame in accepting a little guidance! Consider the following ways to cultivate friendships as an adult:

1. Leverage your social networks.

Look to your current social network to see where you might be able to connect with people. Chances are, there’s a friend of a friend who is also in your exact same situation. For instance, if you’re new to a place, and know almost nobody (except your colleagues), hang out with those colleagues, and meet their friends. After all, this is how groups of friends are created—and growth is positive. That being said, not having a lot of friends is no reason to throw out your standards. If you've ever had a toxic friendship, you know what to steer clear of, so no worries.

2. Tap into community

Never underestimate the power of community. Chances are pretty high that your community has avenues and resources geared toward helping to cultivate adult friendships. For instance, you could attend an event at a local coffee shop or brewery. Or you might try signing up for a gym or a workout class. You could also volunteer, get involved with a local church, or join a book club. Research your community to see how you can tap into it (i.e, many neighborhoods have facebook groups and monthly event newsletters you can sign up for). Chances are, there’s something that you’d find interesting—and it could help you create strong friendships with kindred spirits.

3. Intentionally pursue would-be friends

In response to the idea that “you don’t make new friends after 60,” Jane Fonda said it best. “You have to pursue people you want to be friends with,” insists the 85-year-old actress, activist, and icon. Her advice for people of any age who are struggling to meaningfully connect with others? “You have to be intentional.” Fonda says you should actually seek out the people you enjoy being around (imagine that!). “You have to say, ‘I’m intentionally wanting to be your friend,’” she says, “And it works. People hear that and then they stick around, and you develop new friendships.” As tough as it might be, it helps to revisit places where you've come across someone you'd like to get to know better. Repeat interactions cangive us the courage to approach someone for the first time—it can be a lot like dating, ultimately.

4. Consider coaching

If you’re experiencing barriers to making friends that feel kinda on the deep side, know that there is zero shame in needing a little outside support. A coach or therapist may be able to help you get to the heart of the fears and/or self-esteem issues that may be standing in your way, and making it feel next to impossible to reach out to would-be friends, or perhaps even friends with benefits. With a little expert guidance, you can work to set achievable goals for initiating new friendships—at the same time building the skills you need to strengthen those relationships in the longer term.

Where to meet potential new friends

The short answer: anywhere at all. But, more specifically:

1. Pursue your interests

As already mentioned, attending community events, classes, workshops, or club meetings that call you, or doing volunteer work that is meaningful to you, are all really excellent ways of making connections. Hot tip: whether it’s a gym membership, a tango class, or a soup kitchen, consider not bringing someone you know along. While it can certainly make the experience less jarring, it can also be really easy to lean too heavily on that person, and that can sometimes stop you from actually reaching out to someone unknown.

2. Play the life stage card

Maybe you’ve recently started university, or you’re approaching retirement. Or maybe you’re dealing with grief caused by the unexpected death of a loved one. Whatever it is, finding others who are going through a similar experience by attending local events, support groups, or activities can go a long way toward forging lasting friendships. If you’re a parent, you might consider taking the plunge and talking to other parents at the places you frequent, be it a cafe, a library, or a skatepark. Facebook, Reddit, Instagram, and other online forums can also be really helpful in the arena of local online groups for parents. 

3. Join a MeetUp, Bumble BFF, or another tech platform 

While it can be scary (and feel tired) leaning on tech to make friends with total strangers, technology is just another door, and every door leads to myriad possibilities! Again, the similarity to dating apps here cannot be ignored. If people can meet their future husbands and wives on Tinder, you can probably make friends online too. Consider platforms like MeetUp and Bumble BFF, as they were literally built to help create circles of friends of friends of friends. Give it a try—you got this.