Breakup Sex 101
Whether or not you care to admit it, breakup sex—AKA ex sex, AKA that one “last” roll in the hay with your ex—is something you count among your best and worst moments. That, or you’re sitting here right now, debating whether or not you should let it happen. Or both, am I right?
The cold, harsh reality is this: you’ve broken up and that means goodbye. But is it maybe-sorta-kinda normal to prefer a multi-part farewell—a series of bye-forevers, if you will—before finally going cold turkey?
Let’s get into it, shall we?
Who in their right mind would have breakup sex?
Breakup sex is actually a relatively common phenomenon among people of all ages, and even among people with their heads on relatively straight—you heard it here first.
For instance, one study showed that 27% of people 17 to 24 years old had sex with an ex again within 2 years of breaking up with them. In another study, 22% of married people who were separated from their spouses reporting having had sex with their estranged partners within the last 4 months.
Plot twist: breakup sex seems to be initiated by both men and women—and likely people of all genders—as well as by the dumper and the dumpee, who are both equally to blame for the sordid ex sex spectacle. Say that five times fast.
Why do we do it? Really, why?
Chances are, if you were to ask your BFF if breakup sex is a good idea, they’d simply give you that look—you know the one. Depending, of course, on their own track record. But sometimes, despite the most practical (read: emotionally un-messy) of intentions, breakup sex just…happens. Whether your breakup happened seconds earlier and your goodbye hug gets out-of-hand, or you called it quits months ago but are only now collecting your belongings from their place, boom, it happens: all of a sudden, you’re having the wildest, most emotionally charged sex of your life.
The fact is, people engage in breakup sex for oh-so-many reasons. These include but are not limited to:
- Trying to maintain the relationship
- Not being sure how they feel about their ex
- Gravitating toward a known source of fantastic sex
- To soothe the pain and heartbreak, fill the void
- To avoid sex with a new or unfamiliar person
- For closure: to make moving on easier
It should go without saying that a person’s experience of breakup sex will vary depending on their reasons for having it. For instance, a couple whose breakup is truly mutual and amicable may find a beneficial sort of closure to be had in a final bit of hanky panky. But a dynamic in which one partner is emotionally manipulating the other won’t go as well—naturally.
The dos and don’ts of breakup sex
At the end of the day, if breakup sex is an inevitable event in the trajectory of your life, it helps to have a few rough ’n dirty rules to make it less awkward, and less brutal when the proverbial dawn breaks, nam sayin’?
Dos:
1. Manage expectations
No matter what you do, keep it real with your ex. Make it clear where you stand by communicating, well, um, clearly. You might say, ‘“We may not be right together, but I’m still attracted to you and would love to share that part of our relationship again." If they still want deeper connection, you’ll probably want to shut it down. Be honest with yourself, too: are you really feeling grounded enough for casual sex with your ex, or are you hoping that post-sex cuddling will pave the way for breakfast in bed?
2. Remember that you’re vulnerable
Fact: your judgment is shaky after a serious breakup. Under such circumstances, it’s easy to a) get hurt and b) be hurtful due to either feeling extra needy or extra closed off. In this state of hyper emotion, you are phenomenally vulnerable—yes, even if you’re feeling “strong.” Try to be as self-loving and self-protective as possible, because once you’re beyond the early days and are actually strong, you’ll look back and notice just how unbalanced you were feeling.
3. Be safe
If you didn’t use a condom when you were together, but one or both of you may have since hooked up with others, you’re gonna want to insist on a condom now. A contraceptive alone will not fend off both unwanted children and unwanted infections. And no one wants those things, even on a good day. If your ex refuses to wrap it up, choose to opt out, and let the sex you almost had be a potent reminder of why you’re moving on.
4. Remind yourself why it ended
It ended because there are certain feelings you know you don’t ever want to feel again. And the feeling may be mutual. You learned a valuable set of lessons, but now it’s high time you move on. It’s important (and wise!) to take time to think about why things didn’t work out before you jump back in the sack to join forces again.
Don’ts:
1. Don’t do it if you can’t take it
Facts: having sex with an ex if you’re not over them (but they’re over you) can be an emotional catastrophe, and will make healing that much harder. So—if at all within the realm of possibility—consider how ex sex will make you feel, post-romp. Use your imagination.
2. Don’t over-think it
If you’ve decided that yessir, breakup sex is what you the goddess ordered, or it just kind of happens, resist the urge to spend the next day (and the one after) brooding, ruminating, analyzing, or feeling guilty or weak. Just. let. it. go. Yup, that is 100% the hard part, but crucial nonetheless.
3. Don’t do it to save the relationship
Breakup sex is not—I repeat, is not—a viable strategy to repair your relationship and get your ex back. Not saying it has never happened, but using sex to make them change their mind is a recipe for getting hurt and causing chaos and confusion. If you’re truly meant to get back together, approaching it with a conversation may be a better first step.
4. Don’t make it a habit
A once (or maybe twice) raw post-breakup sex sesh is one thing, but if you have any say in it, don’t relying on your ex-partner to fill a sexual and emotional void between relationships. Doing so will make it next-to-impossible to move onwards and upwards.
At the end of the day, getting over it is the big idea, here. Don’t lose touch with that truth as you move forward to the next big chapter in your beauteous life.
