Here's what to do if your partner sucks at oral sex
Oral sex can sometimes be seen as a “love it or leave it” area. Some women claim that there’s nothing better — and no other way to reach orgasm — than good ol’ cunnilingus, while others finding it underwhelming at best. Similarly, while there’s a myth that everyone with a penis loves a blowjob, that actual results can be far more mixed. Sometimes it’s down to a personal preference — you prefer certain types of stimulation and sensations that may or may not naturally come with oral sex. But sometimes, the problem is a far more basic one: some people are really, really bad at giving oral sex. Seriously — some of them are freaking dreadful.
Many of us have encountered a partner that goes downtown and then, I don’t know, seems to just lay there or flop their tongue a bit like it’s a dead fish or bite areas that shouldn’t be bitten. While everyone’s going to have their own preferences, there are some people who just, undeniably, don’t have an effing clue what they’re doing down there. But telling them that can be tricky — the potential for awkwardness and hurt feeling is high and, if you do love receiving oral, you certainly don’t want to stop them from going down there for forever. So how can you tell your partner they suck at oral? Well, let’s move gently.
Don’t jump right in
Firstly, you’re not going to want to jump in and say it’s terrible — that’s a surefire way not only to make them feel uncomfortable, but also to shut down any discussion. If you and your partner have a great, open relationship where you're really frank with each other then go for it, but if not, you may want to ease in. Try to set the scene with a larger conversation about your sex life, focusing on things that you like or things that you may want to try in the future. If you can start to frame the conversation as “you know we should try more of” rather than “never do that weird thing with your tongue again”, you’ll be far more likely to get the conversation flowing.
Pepper it with positives
Just like you want to set the scene for the conversation, you need to set the scene about the criticism. Focus on the positives. If there's anything they do during oral that you like — or anything that gets close to something you might like — focus on that. Try saying, “I really love it when you finger me when you’re licking my clit, I think it would be really sexy if we tried to do that all the way to orgasm.” Or, "That thing you do when you're fingering me? I bet it would feel really great during oral."
If there’s nothing they do right (and that can definitely happen), you can try to fudge the conversation a bit. You can say that you think they did something and it felt amazing and you want more of it, like “It felt like you made this suction feeling on my clit and it was incredible! What was that? Can we try it again?”. Maybe there never was a suction feeling — maybe you just know that it works for you and wish they would try it — but it brings it into the conversation in a way that still makes them feel comfortable.
Open yourself up for suggestions
If you really want to put the criticism and suggestions into a wider context, make sure to ask if there’s anything else you can do. Is there something you could do more of? Any fantasies they have? Anything they don't like? If you can get the conversation to a place where you’re more openly swapping preferences and thoughts, you can be more open and direct about your criticism. You still want to steer away from saying they’re bad or that you’re bored as hell when they think they’re sending you on a pleasure train, but you can open up more as they get more comfortable in the conversation.
If you really hate oral, just come clean
It may be that they’re bad at oral and you want them to get better because you love it — or they might be bad at it and you might not like it anyway. If you really just aren’t into any kind of oral, it’s best to just own up to it.
Ideally, you do that right from the beginning. But if you've been having lots of oral sex and want to spare their feelings, you can act as though it’s a more recent phenomenon — “For some reason, it just hasn’t been working for me lately, I don’t know why...”. That way, they don’t have to feel self-conscious.
Look at the big picture
Finally, look at your oral situation in context. Are you fairly new as a couple? Or have you been pretending to like a lot of things (or faking a lot of orgasms) and maybe could there be a bigger issue at play? If you have trouble opening up and being honest generally — about sex or anything else — you might want to look at whether you’re really comfortable in this relationship. Sometimes, it’s just a little blip — but sometimes sex can be indicative of larger trust or compatibility issues, so just be aware.
Oral sex isn’t for everyone — and some people are just straight up bad at it. But you don’t need to put up with bad oral sex. Make suggestions, focus on the positive, and be clear about what works for you. But if you have trouble being open with your partner, then you might have bigger things to think about.
