My friend can't orgasm- should I buy her a vibrator?
There’s a good chance you and your closest friends talk about everything. And though probably around 90 percent of what you talk about is what you want to eat and when and where you will eat it (or at least it is with me), there’s sometimes time to touch on a few other juicy subjects. Namely, sex. Maybe you both have a similar sexual history or maybe you’re completely different — but if you can’t talk about sex with your friends, who can you talk about it with?
If you’re used to having candid, open conversations about sex, you may have a friend who has shared that they find it difficult to orgasm during sex — or one who doesn't orgasm at all. As a friend, there are a lot of things she might be looking for from you. Maybe she wants you to just listen or give advice, maybe she doesn't want anything — or maybe you can go a step further. If your friend can’t orgasm...should you buy her a vibrator?
Full disclosure: I have done this. In fact, I've done it more than once. I think that in some cases vibrators can make amazing gifts. A friend who is anorgasmic had expressed interest in trying a vibrator and I knew she was too nervous to buy it herself. So, I took care of it. But that doesn't mean buying a vibrator is always the right move — it really depends on your friend and the relationship between the two of you.
Here’s what to keep in mind:
How candid has your friend been with you?
The biggest consideration is how your friend has presented the problem. Has your friend been really open about the fact that she has trouble orgasming — or have you dragged it out of her? As someone who’s really open about sex, I know how easy it is to accidentally bulldoze someone or put them on the spot, all while thinking I’m helping. Have a think about how upfront your friend has been and what you know about her more generally. Is she really open or does she get self-conscious talking about personal issues? Buying someone a vibrator can be fun and silly, but it also can be intimate and intense, so make sure that you have the right kind of friendship.
Does she want to try new things?
Some people don’t orgasm and are totally fine with it. One of my friends was still in the exploration phase when I bought her a vibrator — trying to see if anything would work. Now, she’s happily anorgasmic, so if I was still trying to get her to try a vibrator with the goal of orgasming, it would be pushy and a little dogmatic. If your friend seems happy with her sex life and her sexuality, it's probably best to just leave it — but if you know she wants to try new things, it could be helpful for you to pick one up for her.
Has she expressed interest in a vibrator?
If you’re a vibrator lover, it can be hard to wrap your head around the fact that some people really don't like the idea of them. I know — if mine could make out with me, there’s a good chance I’d marry it, but some people find them intimidating or just weird. As much as you might want to open your friend up to the wild and wonderful world of vibes, remember that if you give it to her she’s going to feel obligated to use and like it — and that prospect might make her uncomfortable. If you’re not sure, try to bring up the idea of a vibrator first and gauge her response.
Is this about helping her?
The ultimate question — what it all comes down to — is whether or not this is helping her. If you love being the sassy friend who makes a big statement, that’s great — but not at the price of making your friend feel uncomfortable and indebted to you. If you know she wants a vibrator and you’re happy to give it to her knowing that 1) she may not actually try it 2) she may not like it and 3) she may not orgasm, that’s OK. But make sure that this isn’t you forcing something that you think is great or making a big statement about sex positivity — which is a wonderful thing, of course, but that doesn't need to translate to you forcing your friend to try something she doesn't want to.
In some cases, giving your friend a vibrator can be the perfect gift. I had two friends come with me to buy my first vibrator and I was so grateful to have someone else deal with what felt like a very awkward process. I’ve bought vibrators for more than one of my own friends — one who found that she immediately managed to orgasm and one who still hasn't, but is totally OK with it. But even though it can be the right choice, it doesn’t mean it always is. Think about your friend and your dynamic with her — and, if you really think it will help and she’ll be open to it, go forth and vibe away.
