How to make a sex toy (DON’T!)

You’re horny and all alone. With no sex toys and nothing in the fridge but a girthy cucumber. What do you do? Keeping in mind, of course, that life is a choose-your-own-adventure story and you’re its shiniest star. If you’re really gonna go there, I suggest the following: a) organic produce only, 2) wash it throughly, 3) peel it, and 4) throw a condom on that bad boy. This way, you’ve vastly decreased your chances of inserting unwanted bacteria or pesticides into your vag; hitting on any jagged edges; or disrupting your delicate pH.

I don’t mean to be that person—that one that acts like my own grandma used to, carefully cutting grisly articles from the daily paper and mailing them to you as a warning to stay inside and lock your doors—but word to the wise: this guy accidentally killed his lover with a cucumber. So shit happens. Maybe it wasn’t the same lonely cuke sitting in your fridge, but nonetheless: take heed. Also, turns out that using your electric toothbrush is even less advisable.

When it comes to homemade or badly made toxic sex toys, you run the risk of injuring yourself or coming into contact with harmful chemicals. Using unclean DIY toys or bad quality store-bought toys alike can cause seriously undesirable reactions like, oh, I dunno, burning, rashes, blisters, exposure to carcinogens, allergic reactions, and infections—to name a few.

All of that said, there are a few ways you can nonetheless get creative with some common household items at your disposal.

DIY: safer sex toy ideas

Whether for sex with a partner or a solo masturbation session, there are homemade sex toys at hand that don’t really involve any making (not to mention, all but one of these are non-penetrative). These may be particularly useful options if you’re thinking about integrating sex toys into your repertoire for the first time, as they’re ultra accessible and can help you to experiment a bit and find out what type of sensations you like before investing in a toy. These are also great options if you’re sick of your sex toys and want to be re-inspired.

Shower head

Chances are, you’ve got one of these, so try using it as a vibrator by pressing it up against (or directly spraying) your clit. Many shower heads offer a range of pressures and settings, so feel free to explore. Just don’t spray water directly inside your poom-poom or you risk upsetting your pH.   

Pearl necklace

Upgrade your BJ skills by wrapping a pearl (or similarly beaded) necklace around his cock whilst you simultaneously use your hand to stroke him, and your mouth to kiss and suck his tip. He’s sure to experience all-new sensations. Speaking of tips: while you probably won’t be trying to fit your mouth around the wrapped section of his package, err on the side of caution: do NOT use a shoddy necklace that could come apart and choke you!

Wooden spoon

If you have a wooden spoon, whip it out. Smooth, splinter-free spoons are, of course, vastly preferable. Once you have it in hand, consider how perfect it might be for spanking or getting spanked. Just be sure to discuss consent, preferences, and boundaries beforehand.

Pillows

Rubbing up against a stack of pillows (or folded towels) can be a surprisingly delicious way to stimulate your clit, particularly during solo sessions, or if you’re putting on a show for your partner. Plus, if you’re like me, masturbating and sex alike often revert to some variation of the missionary position, so this is an exciting way to shake it up and explore new sensations.

Yoga ball

You may have purchased a yoga ball at some point with the full intention of using it as an office chair which helps you not to slouch. Well, turns out these large inflatable balls are fantastic for sex! Drape yourself (or your partner) over it (frontward or backward, baby) and experiment with a whole range of new positions and angles. They’re stable and have a juicy bounce.

DIY body-safe silicone dildos

This process is not for the faint of heart, as it’s uber involved and necessitates the purchase of equipment and the right ingredients (or else a pre-made kit)—not to mention, infinite patience. Nonetheless, for those wishing to break into the art of actual sex toy making, here’s a handy guide.

Why buying quality sex toys is ultimately the superior option!

When it comes to sex toys, I recommend opting for tried-and-tested over DIY. IMHO, resisting the urge to fuck your produce, your toiletries, or worse yet, items that might splinter or shatter on or inside you is worth it. You won’t be sorry once you’re in possession of a quality sex toy that’s been vetted by sexperts for safety and effectiveness. Bonus: its 2021, and top-quality, nontoxic sex toys aren’t just a wise investment—they’re totally affordable.

Here’s to safe ’n sexy playtime for all! <3