How to talk to your partner about watching porn together
The pandemic has led to a dramatic increase in the amount of porn people watch—hardly surprising, right? Pornhub has reported a sharp increase in traffic, and OnlyFans has seen a 75% bump—need I say more? This makes questions about how to bring up watching porn with one’s partner more relevant than ever.
Whether you’re living with your partner of many years who you’ve gotten to know more intimately than you ever dreamed possible during the last year and a half, or you’re bedding a more recently acquired beau, porn is a valid discussion. There’s nothing wrong with your sexual repertoire as it stands, especially if you’re both well satisfied, but even mind-altering sex can start to feel routine. Think of porn as one of many ways you might endeavor to “spice it up,” or “try new things.” Costumes and BDSM are always there for the playing too! But the beauty of porn is that all you need to do is watch. Watch and be inspired. And remember—the point of watching porn together isn’t to compare yourselves or copy what you see, but to instigate steamy conversations about what you each might like to explore.
But let’s not pretend it’s super easy to bring up porn in a relationship. Sure, for some it is, but for many, it’s right up there with war and peace in the Middle East. Incidentally, these are both topics you’d do well to make sure you’re on the same page about. While it may feel a bit fucked to think about what your partner gets off to (besides you), or what they might think about the material that turns your private crank, shared porn can be actually bring you closer—and get you hotter than you ever thought possible.
If you want to talk to your partner about watching porn but don’t quite know where to start, here are a few helpful tips:
Know thyself.
Before you ask your partner if they want to watch porn with you, ask yourself if this is right for your relationship. The best way of assessing this is by asking yourself why you want to watch porn with your partner. It may seem obvious, but break it down a little. Do you want it to make you closer? Are you hoping it will trigger stronger communication about your deepest fantasies and desires—and theirs? Do you just want to switch things up? The more questions you know the answers to, the better you’ll be able to communicate them to your partner.
Get acquainted with each other’s desires.
If you’ve never had an open, honest conversation with your partner about sex, you may want to do that before launching into a conversation about watching porn. They might not have a clue you’re even into porn, for starters. Try leading up to discussing porn by making sex and desire a more normalized topic of conversation. Talk about what you enjoy in bed, for instance. This will help you better understand each other’s hot spots and may give you a better clue as to whether they’d be open to watching porn with you. Plus, it’ll come way less out of the blue when you broach the subject.
Choose a low-pressure moment.
Avoid bring up the watching of porn in a high pressure fashion, like when you’re in the middle of getting it on, because it could ruin the moment. Avoid suggesting it as an activity for right this second, if you get my drift. Bring it up in a way that allows your partner time to mull it over and respond. If you’re shy about bringing it up yourself, you might do it indirectly, by asking what they think of porn, or by telling them you read an article about couples watching porn together, and asking them what they think. If you’re super sure insecurity won’t be an issue for your partner and that they’ll be into it, you might also simply say, “I thought we could watch something together,” or “I wanted to show you something that turns me on.” Sizzle.
Discuss the types of porn you do and don’t like.
If you bring it up, and (yay!) your partner is interested in watching porn together, the next step is discussing what type of porn you’d both be interested in watching. Talk about your interests, likes, and dislikes, and ask your partner for theirs. Better yet, go one further and tell each other why you like what you like. Be sure to establish whether there are any sex acts or porn styles either one of you wants to avoid or is unsure about. Figure out if there are any specific scenarios you both feel enthusiastic about watching and go from there. You’re getting closer, baby.
Make it about the two of you, not the porn.
The idea of watching porn together can make some people feel deprioritized (which is very valid). So, when you talk to your partner about watching porn together, be clear that it’s to enhance your sex life and bring you closer. If you end up getting it on while the porn is playing (a distinct possibility), keep your focus and attention on your experience of shared pleasure with your partner rather than on the porn. You won’t learn about the subtleties of real-life sex from porn, so never let it be a stand-in for communication about what feels good and what doesn’t. Reminder: there is zero need to recreate those crazy onscreen scenarios and positions—unless you're both super into that, of course. If you are both super into that, approach it with humor and without comparing yourselves—because that’s pointless.
Final thought: if and when you find yourself ready and willing to watch porn with your partner, let’s face it, you’ll have NO lack of choices. That said, ethically sourced porn always goes down reeeaaal good (ahem), so consider trying Bellesa Plus on for size, you filthy couple of animals. <3
