Let’s talk about blowjobs…and your gag reflex

True story: I fully vomited on my very first boyfriend’s cock one time while giving him head. The lights were off and it was very dark, which was a minor mercy, but obviously I had to let him know. Yeah, he wasn’t the most observant type. I was so horrified after that incident that I made sure it never happened again. Throughout the years, I’ve given many a partner blowjobs, many of them nice ’n deep. Some of those times my gag reflex was fully activated, but I never repeated the puking incident, because I know my limits and will always pull back or take a break if it’s getting to that point.

Look, facts are facts: sucking cock isn’t always easy breezy. For starters, they come in different sizes, shapes, and flavors, and so do the men attached to them. Know this: if you gag while going down on your man, all you’re doing is having a perfectly natural reaction to having a phallus placed in your mouth and possibly down your throat. We all have different tolerance levels, and guess what? Those levels can change from partner to partner or even day to day. While you might gag at the slightest touch of a cock to your tongue one day, you might be able to take it all the way down your pretty little throat the next. It depends on so many factors, including how I aroused you already are, your position, your mood, and so much more.

Many guys will find it hot if you gag on their cock, and mainstream porn probably has little to do with that. Hell, I’ve even been turned on at the sound of my own gagging, and the feel of it too— and I know I’m not the only gal who feels that way. It really doesn’t matter why certain things turn us on, so long as no one is being harmed. Nothing is pure, and desire cannot always be explained.

Ultimately, it’s the gag reflex’s job to prevent you from choking, so it’s a good thing! While you can’t exactly turn it off, there are plenty of ways to get more comfortable giving head, while still respecting your limits and desires.

Never give a blowjob unless you want to

Rule number one. This should be extremely obvious, but unfortunately that’s not always the case, is it? There are partners out there who pressure, coerce, and even force. None of that is ever even remotely okay. Absolutely nowhere is it written that you need to perform any given sex act on your partner— and that includes blowjobs, even if your partner feels entitled to having them. You don’t have to suck his cock every time you have sex. You don't have to suck cock at all. And if you choose to suck cock, you never have to push yourself beyond your limits.

Practice on a dildo

…or a cucumber, or your fingers. If you’re determined to gag less easily, there are things you can try, like practicing on an inanimate object, y’know, in a zero pressure situation. Simply place a (clean!) dildo or finger(s) into your mouth and see how far you can get until your gag reflex is triggered. Hold your dildo or finger(s) in that spot as long as you can. Focus on your breathing. Over time, you may get used to the sensation, and you can add in some back-and-forth motions to take your practice sesh to the next level. Hot tip: don’t worry about keeping your lips tightly wrapped around his cock. If you let your lips fall open, you open up your throat more.

Learn to breathe

Breathing may not seem like the kind of thing that needs learning, but it so does—in blowjobs and in life. Sure, we can all breathe some way or another, but breathing properly is where it’s truly at. When giving head, it’s extremely important that you inhale and exhale through your nose to prevent yourself from gagging, and to mitigate any anxiety you may be experiencing about choking or puking. Just…breathe.

Understand that deep throating is not the gold standard.

I fully understand the pressures, but there is no need to try and imitate the blow jobs you see in mainstream porn. Maybe you think deep throating is the only worthwhile way to go because the porn you watch never depicts any other kind of blowjob. Newsflash: most women can’t actually deep throat, practice or no practice, but that’s okay because you can still give mind-bending oral sex to your partner by other means.

Don’t be afraid to use your hands—it’s not a cop out.

Speaking of other means, using your mouth as well as your hand(s) to pleasure your man can be incredibly delicious—for both of you. Just because there are porn douches out there who think “no hands!” is somehow superior, doesn’t make it so. Try focusing your mouth and tongue on the head of his cock (the most sensitive part), and use a hand (or two) to control how deep he enters. Bonus: this will provide extra arousing sensations to him at the same time. Get everything nice ’n wet with your spit — and stroke him in rhythm with your mouth. You might even go one further and try using your fingers to play with his balls, taint, or anus (if he’s down). I’m willing to bet he’ll go wild.

Try new positions

Personally, when I’m in the mood to take it deep in the throat, I like to lay on my bed with my head hanging over the edge just so. This position makes your throat straight and easier to penetrate. My guy can then stand behind me and slowly slide his cock deep into my mouth. It’s delicious because I can’t really resist it in that position, and I’m relaxed enough that I can just let it enter me. It’s worth noting, however, that you do have less control in this position, so trust and communication are extra important ingredients when trying it out.

Take it slow

Again, with the mainstream porn. You may believe that a good blow job is one that happens rapidly, with lots of forceful head bobbing. But that’s a guaranteed invitation to gagsville, my friends. Try moving your head less, and spending more time sucking, licking, kissing, and stroking. Sometimes, less really is more.

Bottom line: giving a great blow job, much like having great sex, is all about strong communication with your lover, your partner, your fling. If you’ve got that down, the rest will follow. If the prospect of gagging makes you really anxious, or you’re experiencing blowjob anxiety in general, I suggest talking about it with said partner. If he’s right for you, communication will be grounding, and intimate…and even funny. Speaking of which, if you do end up gagging or puking, try to approach it with humor rather than panic. Hopefully your partner reacts the same way and y’all can clean up and get back to the business of feeling good sooner than later—whatever that looks like for you. <3