Beach sex dos and don'ts

Beaches can evoke inner peace, relaxation, and monster horniness. If sex on the beach sounds like an appealing proposition to you, you're not alone. Hell, there’s even a cocktail named after it. What's not to like? You’re out in nature, exposed to the elements: wind, water, sand, sun—and well-poised to fully embody your wild animal self. 

Here’s the thing: you want to go into beach sex with 100% realistic expectations. While in the movies, it's always spontaneous, romantic, and magical, IRL, we gotta think about things like sand where the sun don't shine (or at least where it doesn’t usually shine). That—and getting arrested. 

This does not mean you can't have beach sex—it just means you need to prep well in advance.

So before you go getting freaky to the rhythm of the waves, consider the following very important dos and don’ts of beach sex:

DO: Make sure it's legal.

While having sex in a semi-forbidden place is part of what makes it so hot, nothing kills the vibe faster than getting fined for public indecency. And be very aware of the potential legal implications of your beach romp, especially if you’re in a foreign country. Getting arrested on vacation isn’t super hot (real handcuffs are way less sexy than furry ones, it turns out). Unless you own swaths of private shoreline, sex on the beach should probably not be a spontaneous act. It requires a bit of recon: make sure you understand the laws around having sex in a public area.

DO: Choose your beach wisely.

In case you’re tempted to have a hyper quickie on a popular public beach—resist. The more isolated, and private, the better. Look for a stretch of sand that's secluded and preferably only accessible by one entrance—so that you can see who is coming. Also, look for an area that’s clean, clear of debris, and relatively level—and make sure you’re far enough away from the ocean so the tide doesn't roll in at an inopportune time. 

DO: Think easy-access rather than stylish.

When it comes to your clothes, opt for functional and easy-access, here. Go with a sarong, stretchy shorts, a beachy sundress, or a flowy skirt. Meanwhile, partners with penises might wear shorts or a bathing suit that allows them to easily, um, whip it out. Also keep in mind that it’s probably better to try keeping as many clothes on as you can for a quick getaway or coverup if necessary.

DO: Cum prepared.

To avoid getting sand or anything else in your vagina (that can cause yeast or bacterial infections!), and increase your overall level of comfort, put together a little sex on the beach kit which includes a sand-proof or oversized blanket (or three), and a compact towel. If you really wanna go for the gold, you might even bring a portable beach cabana (beach tent) for optimal coverage and protection from the sun. Additionally, bring anything that you know makes sex more safe and enjoyable for you: condoms, lube, toys, and toy cleanser, to name a few.

DO: Expand your definition of sex.

Many people still think of penetrative sex as the automatic gold standard, but it's not. Anything erotic and pleasurable can be sexual, so don’t get hung up. Tease, talk dirty, kiss, caress, and use your hands, or your mouths. More and more people are realizing just how fantastic outercourse can be, and when it comes to beach sex, it may just be the way to go, as it can be easier to have manual or oral sex under a blanket without calling too much attention to yourself.

DO: Wait until the sun sets.

Again, unless you’re on a private beach, there are risks of being seen, so you should probably wait for nightfall. In the spirit of consent, don’t offer other beach dwellers (and their children, potentially) unsolicited entertainment; they could be scarred for life, after all. Plus, there’s the whole legality thing. Bottom line: nighttime is the right time.

DO: Consider sex in the water.

Having sex in a natural body of water like an ocean can be truly exhilarating, and will conceal what’s going on beneath the surface. That said, don’t have sex when there are people around—just don’t. In spite of the natural allure here, there is unfortunately no way of knowing if the water is going to be clean, or if it has parasites, so find out as much as you can about the cleanliness of the water before giving it a go.

DON’T: Use the wrong lube. 

Use the right lube for your purposes. Water-based lube is usually super extra perfect, but if you happen to be doing the deed in the water, know that water-based lubricants rinse off easily, and water is not a suitable lubricant, so always be sure to have a silicone-based lube on hand—a difference-maker. And, if using condoms, be sure to avoid oil-based lubes, as they disintegrate latex.

DON’T: Try awkward, challenging, or highly conspicuous positions.

Sad but true: not all beach sex positions are created equal. To stay flat on the ground under a blanket (making it easier to pretend you're napping), go for missionary. To avoid getting sand in unwanted places, go for positions that place your genitals as far away from the sand as possible, like doggy style. Since that’s not exactly the best position for avoiding attention, you might try the napping sex position: just get in a spooning position, and then rock back and forth, until you find the rhythm that works best. If you brought a beach chair, you might also try cowgirl. Whatever you do, use a towel to cover yourself.

DON’T: Do it in the wind.

If it’s a really windy day, postpone your sexy beach plans, for the love of goddess. Beach plus wind equals sand in your eyes, hair, and every orifice (like so many shards of glass), and that's never sexy. Beach wind is not romantic when you’re horizontal, you heard it here first.

DON’T: Leave a mess.

Bring a packet of tissues for clean-up afterwards. If you use condoms, bring a small plastic bag for condom disposal. Nobody deserves to set eyes on (or step in) your postcoital scene—plus it’s really disrespectful to the environment, so be a good, responsible eco-lover, and make any and all evidence disappear.

DON’T: Get caught. 

Don’t do it in the middle of the day. Don’t do it with people—especially kids—nearby. Don’t take forever (the urgency is part of the fun here, anyway). Don’t ignore it if you see someone watching or approaching, or filming from afar—just stop. Wait until dusk at the very least. Wait until the beach is deserted. Enjoy yourselves, but keep an eye and an ear out for other humans. Try not to moan audibly, and keep your voices down. It’ll be so much more fun if you don't get caught!

If you’re paranoid about getting caught but still want to try beach sex, consider renting a beach house that has a private strip of beach. Or do it in a tent at a campsite with beach views. You’ll get the beach sex experience without many of the risks.

Happy beach hunting to the whole scandalous lot of you! <3